


You've Always Been In My House

by OwenToDawn



Series: Transcend [2]
Category: Just Music Entertainment, Korean Hip Hop RPF, Show Me the Money (Korea TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Blow Jobs, Catholic Guilt, Developing Relationship, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Overstimulation, Relationship Negotiation, Sobriety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:52:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23305132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwenToDawn/pseuds/OwenToDawn
Summary: Byungyoon’s first kiss was with Sungmin, though he hadn’t considered it his first kiss at the time. He’d been too panicked and ashamed to acknowledge that it was real, still a kid, still afraid of the thoughts that had him desperately scrabbling along his nightstand to hold his rosary in the middle of the night.
Relationships: Lee Byeongyoon | BewhY/Ryu Sungmin | C Jamm
Series: Transcend [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675975
Kudos: 20





	You've Always Been In My House

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to shellfishdimes for introducing me to this pairing through some good fic. Thanks to Bo for being my Catholic Consultant again. I don't pay you enough. 
> 
> This will make more sense if you read Everyone Knows It's Cool Except You first but it's not totally necessary
> 
> I hope you all enjoy! Comments are loved. 
> 
> Title from Trascend by BewhY feat C Jamm cuz of course it is

Byungyoon’s first kiss was with Sungmin, though he hadn’t considered it his first kiss at the time. He’d been too panicked and ashamed to acknowledge that it was real, still a kid, still afraid of the thoughts that had him desperately scrabbling along his nightstand to hold his rosary in the middle of the night.

He hadn’t been able to look Sungmin in the eyes for weeks but eventually time and commitment to not talk about it gave way to their easy friendship once more. And then came music and composing and rapping and SMTM and a rushed kiss from when they were still kids in the middle of a hot summer stopped mattering.

Except that wasn’t true at all. It mattered more than ever before.

It’s impossible to ignore the way he can’t stop looking at Sungmin’s lips as they learn to navigate fame together. He looks at them when they perform side by side. He watches the way Sungmin’s tongue licks off a stray drop of alcohol after knocking back one too many shots at a club. He watches the way his neck moves as he takes a swig of beer and his lips look a little swollen from the way he’d been making out with his latest dance partner at a house party. And sometimes Sungmin looks at him too. Their eyes catch over the rim of Sungmin’s shades, or through the curtain of too sweaty hair. Sometimes Byungyoon is sure Sungmin is looking right at him even when he can’t see his eyes behind his shades.

-.-

Sungmin gets arrested on drug charges.

And like the fucking stereotype Byungyoon knows himself to be, he prays for his friend.

-.-

Byungyoon arrives back from the States wanting to erase the taste of Seunghyun’s lips with the taste of the ones he’s been staring at for years. He doesn’t even stop at his own place when he gets back in the country. He takes a ride straight to Sungmin’s, using the spare key he was given two years ago considering how many times he had to help a stumbling and drunk or high or both Sungmin home after he’d lost his own keys. The elevator is too slow for him. He takes the stairs two at a time, suitcase in hand, and by the time he reaches Sungmin’s front door, he’s breathless.

He fumbles with the keys, still trying to catch his breath as he tries to find the right one. The door opens before he gets a chance and Sungmin’s fist twists in his shirt, pulling him inside suitcase and all. He drops the case, not caring about the fragile gift he bought his mother inside when he needs his hands on Sungmin. They don’t kiss, not at first. He holds Sungmin’s face in his hands with their foreheads pressed together and he tries to convey everything in his gaze that a text from an ocean away couldn’t.

“I meant what I said in that text,” he says. “I’m done being afraid of admitting that I’m in love with you.”

And Sungmin kisses the confession off his lips.

-.-

“I stopped drinking.”

Sungmin whispers the words against Byungyoon’s neck when his lips still tingle from how much they’d been kissing. Byungyoon swallows and tightens his grip around Sungmin’s shoulders.

“You can’t…you can’t quit just for me, that’s not right,” Byungyoon says.

“I didn’t, I quit a week before your stupid text,” Sungmin says, the hint of a laugh in his voice.

“What about getting high?”

“Just weed for now,” Sungmin says. “I…the withdrawals suck. That helps.”

“You’re being reckless,” Byungyoon says. It’s an old argument, but he doesn’t want it to be. He turns his head and kisses the top of Sungmin’s head because he can. “But I’m proud of you for trying.”

-.-

They don’t fuck. Byungyoon waits for Sungmin to get impatient with him, but he doesn’t, just smiles when Byungyoon gets skittish and pulls away even when they’re both hard. He’s not sure why he’s surprised. Sungmin is hedonistic to a fault, indulging in everything that brings even the slightest bit of pleasure until he’s full. But Byungyoon’s known him long enough to know that he cares.

“I just don’t get how it doesn’t bother you,” Byungyoon says as Sungmin steps out of the bathroom in a pair of gym shorts and hole-filled tank top while toweling his hair dry.

“How what doesn’t? Jacking off in the shower four times a day so I don’t get blue balls?” Sungmin asks with a sleazy grin.

Byungyoon rolls his eyes, barely managing to knock the damp towel aside when Sungmin throws it at him. “I mean you could have anyone.”

Sungmin flops onto the bed next to him and reaches out to pat Byungyoon’s chest. “I don’t want anyone. Getting my dick wet is nice, sure, but making out with you is better.”

The frankness of his words startled a laugh out of him and Sungmin beams, smile wide. “How is it better?”

Sungmin shifts, stretching out haphazardly on top of Byungyoon and then pressing his fingers to Byungyoon’s bottom lip. “Kissing you gets my dick harder than any woman, super model or stripper or whatever. Your lips are fucking…”

Byungyoon watches as Sungmin’s tongue darts out to wet his own lips. “I used to look at your lips all the time. They’re…nice…”

A beat of silence passes between them and then Sungmin bursts into laughter, rolling onto his side and holding his stomach as his eyes squeeze shut. Byungyoon flushes, covering his face with his hands. It’s times like these where his lack of experience is almost painful, even if Sungmin doesn’t mean anything bad by it.

“You’re amazing,” Sungmin says once he’s caught his breath. He pries Byungyoon’s hands away from his face and kisses his knuckles. “I think your lips are nice too. I’d pick you over anyone. It’s that whole being in love shit, you know?”

Byungyoon nods. He knows.

-.-

Sungmin moves in with him two months later. They don’t tell anyone and Dispatch either doesn’t notice or don’t think it’s worth reporting on. The downside is that for once in his life, Byungyoon feels his drive to work falter in the face of being able to lounge all day in bed with Sungmin.

And it’s also starting to become frustrating waking up every morning hard and pressed up against Sungmin’s ass.

Most mornings he rolls away, too mortified to deal with it at all. He solves the issue instead with a cold shower. Other mornings, he can’t help but get himself off under the warm spray, biting at the heel of his palm to muffle himself even though he knows Sungmin would love to hear him. He’s not sure if it’s shame or something else. Maybe fear. It’s one thing to kiss Sungmin, but every additional step forward feels just as dangerous as the kiss he’d shared with Seunghyun in LA. It’s not like he has any intention of leaving Sungmin, not now. But something in him screams that he has to keep denying himself.

So he does. Pat of him wishes Sungmin would get frustrated with him and ask for more, but every time things get heated and he pulls away, Sungmin just smiles and makes a big show of sauntering off to the bathroom. It makes sense. They’ve had more than enough fights where Sungmin tried to pressure him into something when they were younger. Sungmin knows better now. Byungyoon just doesn’t know if he can take the chance on his own.

-.-

“No pressure, but you could just get off against me,” Sungmin says one morning when Byungyoon starts to roll out of bed.

Byungyoon freezes, hand clenching down on the edge of the comforter that he’d started to lift. “What?”

“Just like…rub against me,” Sungmin says, voice slow and slurred with sleepiness. “I don’t mind.”

The air in the room seems to be too thick to breathe in. Byungyoon swallows and drops the comforter, heart racing as he slips beneath it again and rolls back to face Sungmin, still not able to bring himself to press in close. Instead, he stares at the back of Sungmin’s head. His hair is a mess, thick and tangled, the ends finally starting to look better now that he’s started taking better care of it when he bleaches it. He reaches out and grabs Sungmin’s hip. Sungmin doesn’t even stir. After taking another deep breath, he shifts again, pressing up along Sungmin’s back and exhaling in a rush as his cock rubs against Sungmin’s ass through his shorts and Sungmin’s boxers.

“Fuck…” he whispers, because how can he not swear when he feels this.

He slips his arm over Sungmin’s waist, hand resting against his stomach as he buries his face against Sungmin’s neck, uncaring of the way it tickles his cheek as he gives an experimental twist of his hips.

“Ha…ahh…”

"Yeah, there you go,” Sungmin mumbles, hand covering Byungyoon’s and squeezing.

It’s all the encouragement he needs to press even harder, small thrusts that drive his cock against the soft cushion of Sungmin’s ass, warm and so fucking different from his own hand. He gasps and bites at Sungmin’s neck, an embarrassing whine escaping him at the feeling. His fingers twist with Sungmin’s clenching them tight as he moves against him, eyes squeezing shut as his mind races with the idea that it could be more, that he could hold Sungmin like this and thrust _inside-_

“Ah…haaa…fuu…” Byungyoon bites off the curse as he comes, faster than he wants. He can’t bring himself to feel ashamed about it though, not now, not when he has Sungmin warm and relaxed in his arms with his thumb rubbing along Byungyoon’s hand.

“Mmm, see that was nice right?” Sungmin asks, voice still rough. “I can feel your heart beating against my back.”

And he’s right. Byungyoon can feel it too from how fast it’s racing. “Sorry I came so fast.”

“We can explore that later maybe,” Sungmin says, as nonchalant as ever. “I’m gonna jack off now so you might wanna go shower.”

Byungyoon flushes and shifts away, almost tripping when he rolls out of bed in his haste. He glances back once he reaches the door, meeting Sungmin’s eyes as Sungmin rolls onto his back, the comforter moving in an obviously telltale way. Heat swamps his face even more and he almost slams the door shut.

-.-

Things escalate from there. Instead of fleeing the bed, as long as he has nothing pressing to address, he finds himself lingering in bed and kissing Sungmin awake, rubbing against his ass or thigh or whatever part of his body is easiest to reach. Sungmin lets him, and never teases him when he flees after he comes. It’s addicting. He _should_be afraid of it, but it’s like each time he gives in it gets a little easier. That should scare him too, but it isn’t because being in Sungmin’s arms is the furthest thing from scary.

So he decides to have some courage.

Instead of rolling away and leaving, he stays. He rubs his hand up and down over Sungmin’s bare stomach, ignoring the discomfort of come cooling in his own boxers and gathering the nerve to finally slip his hand down the last bit he needs to touch him. Sungmin inhales, sharp, as Byungyoon closes his hand around his cock through his boxers.

“You don’t have to,” Sungmin says.

Byungyoon exhales against the side of his neck, pressing a soft kiss to his skin. “I want to. I’ve wanted to this whole time it’s just…hard.”

“I can relate to the hard thing that’s for sure,” Sungmin says, voice overly dramatic.

“You’re ridiculous,” Byungyoon says even as he laughs. “I’m trying to be serious here.”

“You’re always serious,” Sungmin says, hand covering Byungyoon’s and helping him squeeze his dick. “It doesn’t have to be serious, we can just have fun too.”

Which…makes sense. Sex _should_be fun, not just feel good. That helps him relax a little and he squeezes Sungmin’s dick again, smiling at the way Sungmin shifts and exhales, rough. Sungmin rocks up into his grip and Byungyoon buries his face against his neck and hair, concentrating on the way Sungmin’s dick feels in his hand with each short stroke and squeeze. Sungmin’s hand slides down to rest against his forearm.

“Fuck, you’re such a tease,” Sungmin says, voice pitching low. “I’m gonna…can you let me stroke myself?”

Byungyoon swallows and grazes his teeth along Sungmin’s neck, drinking in the way Sungmin’s voice skitters into a moan. “I got it. Let me…”

He slides his hand back up and then down below the hem of his boxers, gasping as he wraps his hand around Sungmin’s cock. It’s entirely different from touching himself. It’s Sungmin he’s touching, Sungmin who’s hips jerk forward as his voice cracks around another moan, Sungmin who’s hand reaches back to grab at his hip just so he has something to hold onto as Byungyoon strokes him.

He strokes up, slicking his palm with the pre-come that drools out of the tip of Sungmin’s cock and uses it to stroke him a little faster. Sungmin curses, head shifting back to rest against Byungyoon’s shoulder. Byungyoon takes advantage of the motion, pressing his lips to Sungmin’s jaw and then his ear, letting his teeth slide across soft skin in a gentle graze that makes Sungmin’s voice shake on a moan of his name. The noise has his own dick twitching again and he has to shut his eyes to focus. It ends up being pointless, because with every noise that spills from Sungmin’s lips, the harder he gets.

“Shit, really?” Sungmin asks. “Getting hard again?”

“I…” Byungyoon buries his face in Sungmin’s neck and jerks his cock faster even as he presses up against his ass again. “You sound so good…”

“You’re such a s-sap,” Sungmin stutters out, pushing back into Byungyoon’s hips. “Fuck, want your dick in me, god fucking dammit…”

Byungyoon gasps, hand stopping as his mind races with the images of it, of having Sungmin beneath him as he thrusts inside. Sungmin’s hand closes around his.

“Babe, please,” Sungmin says. “I need…”

Byungyoon starts stroking him again, hooking his chin over Sungmin’s shoulder and looking down the length of his body at his cock. He can’t help but stare. There’s something hot about seeing how much just his touch turns Sungmin on this much. He squeezes the tip of Sungmin’s dick on the upstroke and listens to the way Sungmin’s voice shakes, then does it again, faster, finding the perfect rhythm that has Sungmin thrusting up into his hand and he gasping out Byungyoon’s name.

When he comes, he goes silent, mouth dropping open. His dick jerks in Byungyoon’s grip and then he exhales all at once, blunt fingernails digging into Byungyoon’s arm as he chants out his name. It’s…Byungyoon hadn’t realized he could make Sungmin fall apart like that. He strokes Sungmin through his orgasm, listening to each desperate noise that escapes him. It isn’t until Sungmin starts tugging at his hand with a gasp of ‘too much’ that he pulls his hand away.

“That…wow…” he says.

Sungmin rolls onto his stomach, clearly uncaring of the mess he’s making as he face plants into his pillow. “Best hand job ever.”

Byungyoon flushes and looks down at where his own cock is still hard in his messy boxer shorts. “I barely knew what I was doing.”

“Doesn’t matter, it was you,” Sungmin says. “Is your dick still hard?”

Byungyoon tries to answer, but all that comes out is a strangled and embarrassed noise that prompts Sungmin to push himself up, tugging his boxers back up over his dick as he does so. He grins when he looks down at Byungyoon’s lap.

“You want some help with that?” he asks.

“I uh…”

“I can blow you, if you want,” Sungmin says. “I’ve never actually gone down on a dude so it might suck, but like…”

For the first time, Sungmin looks a little uncertain. Byungyoon swallows.

“Y-Yeah. I…please,” he finally says.

Sungmin moves down, shifting to lay back down between Byungyoon’s legs before he tugs his boxers down, reaching out to grab Byungyoon’s cock, already slick with come from the first time he came. Byungyoon bites his lip around a curse and pushes a hand into Sungmin’s hair, tugging at the soft strands.

“Sensitive, huh?” Sungmin asks, voice soft. “I got you, don’t worry.”

And then his lips close around the head of his dick and Byungyoon….Byungyoon can’t fucking think. His brain flatlines, unable to process anything beyond _warm _and_wet_and _Sungmin_as Sungmin’s tongue slides over the tip of his dick and then down the shaft as he bobs his head down, a curious noise escaping him as he tastes. Part of him wonders if Sungmin likes the taste of his come. And if he does what that means. Those thoughts melt away when Sungmin’s hand cups his balls, squeezing them in time with the slow rhythm he has as he works Byungyoon’s cock deeper into his mouth.

Byungyoon doesn’t have any experience to know if it’s good or not by someone else’s standards, but he doesn’t really need to. Looking down at Sungmin and seeing the eager way he works at it is more than enough. He tugs at Sungmin’s hair, pushing him down just a little, just to see if he’ll take it or push back, but Sungmin just goes, lets Byungyoon push him down until his dick brushes the back of his throat, making him gag. Byungyoon lets go in a hurry then and Sungmin pulls off, lips shiny with spit.

Their eyes meet as Sungmin strokes him and Byungyoon comes, just from that, just from the intense stare Sungmin gives him. It makes a mess of his stomach, of Sungmin’s hand, a few drops hitting Sungmin’s chin and right cheek, but Sungmin just keeps stroking him until he’s twitching his hips away. When Byungyoon meets his eyes again, he almost asks Sungmin to stop. But it…feels good. It hurts, the way the warmth wet of his come slicked hand slides over Byungyoon’s sensitive cock, but he _likes_it, likes the way it makes his muscles shiver and jump.

"You like that?” Sungmin asks, squeezing harder.

Byungyoon’s breath escapes him in a rushed whine and he nods, fingers dropping to twist in the sheets. His dick doesn’t even go soft. Sungmin strokes him fast and hard until his cock is fully hard again and Byungyoon can barely string two thoughts together, the pleasure and endorphins that rush through him destroying any chance he has.

Sungmin’s lips close around the tip of his dick again and he shouts, head slamming back against the pillow as his legs jerk, squeezing down around Sungmin’s shoulders as he fights the urge to get away. He doesn’t want to get away, not really. He wants Sungmin to overwhelm him entirely, make him come again and again until he can’t think. Sungmin grabs his hip, his grip tight and warm, something steady he can ground himself too as the pleasure tinged with the pain of it being too much continues to ricochet through him.

This time when he comes, it’s like a string finally snapping. He collapses back onto the bed, limp and drained, as Sungmin’s tongue slide slow over the tip of his cock as he rides out the orgasm. When he pulls off and lets go, Byungyoon can’t help a soft hiss at the sudden lack of sensation. It’s a relief, but it’s so different from the feeling of being overwhelmed, he’s not sure what to do with it.

Sungmin stretches out on top of him and presses their lips together, his solid and firm weight comforting him and chasing away the bit of loneliness that he usually feels after he comes and leaves without returning the favor. He can taste himself on Sungmin’s tongue as they kiss. The taste doesn’t bother him – it’s just different. It does make him wonder what Sungmin tastes like in comparison, but the last thing he needs is to get turned on again so he pushes his fingers into Sungmin’s hair and kisses him harder.

-.-

Maybe it was too much too soon. Three orgasms in a row was a lot, and every moment he spends alone in his studio, he finds his thoughts consumed by how much he’d liked being overwhelmed. He’s spent so much of his life avoiding excesses that he can’t help but feel guilty for liking it as much as he did. The smart thing, of course, would be to talk to Sungmin about it.

But he doesn’t. He just spends more and more time in the studio composing orchestral backtracks that he won’t ever use. He thinks about that night in a hotel with Seunghyun in LA and the way he’d been terrified that if he’d kissed Sungmin instead, he’d fall deeper and deeper into overindulgence and lose himself the way anyone lost themselves in an addiction. He thinks of how he should’ve known better than to get involved.

And then he goes home with all those feelings in his throat and kisses Sungmin and praises him for another day clean and climbs into bed with him and holds him close. It feels like he’s lying and the guilt gnaws at him. He knows he’s not going to leave, but he can’t help the way it feels like everything he feared is coming true.

It doesn’t stop him from kissing Sungmin though, or any of their usual morning activities. He shies away from the overstimulation and Sungmin doesn’t ask questions because he trusts Byungyoon’s judgment and honestly, that just makes it even worse. How can he let Sungmin trust him when he doesn’t trust himself?

-.-

"Wow, you look like shit.”

Byungyoon rolls his eyes as he slides into the bar seat across from Seunghyun. It’s a popular joint that Jiho recommended, though there’s almost no one there this early in the evening. Seunghyun sips his beer and then pushes a glass of Coke he’d order for Byungyoon across the table.

“I was hoping it wasn’t that noticeable,” Byungyoon says. “Sungmin hasn’t said anything.”

“Sungmin has a lot of shit on his mind,” Seunghyun says. “Although I guess you to do. Here’s a thought. You talk to each other.”

Byungyoon takes a long sip through the straw and glares at him. Seunghyun just raises an eyebrow. “It’s not that simple. Everything I was afraid of when you and I were in LA together is coming true but I don’t want to hurt him by leaving.”

Seunghyun’s eyes narrow. “Leave him? Don’t you love him?”

“Of course! I just…” Byungyoon spins the ice around the cup with his straw. “I knew I’d be persuaded into things like this I just didn’t realize how much.”

“Persuaded?”

Byungyoon nods, but then realizes he must’ve spoke wrong when he looks up and Seunghyun looks borderline murderous.

“Is he pressuring you, Byungyoon? Seriously.”

“No!” Byungyoon rubs a hand down his face. “It’s not…Sungmin is cool with what I want it’s just I…_want_a lot. I want things that I shouldn’t be giving in to.”

"What things? Like…handcuffs? Spanking? Chains?”

Byungyoon stares at him. “No. What?”

Seunghyun shrugs. “I’m just trying to get a feel for the situation. So is it like actually something crazy or…?”

Byungyoon takes a few more sips of his Coke through the straw, unsure of how much he wants to disclose, or if he wants to disclose anything at all. He _did _ask Seunghyun for advice. It’s hard for him to give it if he doesn’t elaborate at least a little, but this isn’t a confessional, it’s a friend. The only one who knows about him and Sungmin, sure, but still. It’s not normal in his limited experience to just ask for advice on sex, not like this.

“I like…I like how it feels to be overindulged to the point that it almost hurts,” Byungyoon says, forcing the words past a very choked throat.

“Oh. Okay. That’s pretty normal,” Seunghyun says. “Everyone messes around with that at least once. I know someone who really likes that. Says the fifth orgasm in a row is when his brain finally shuts the hell up.”

Byungyoon looks up at him, frowning, and before he can think of stopping himself he asks, “Who?”

Seunghyun barks out a laugh, spilling some of his beer from how hard he slams it back down on the table. “I’m not going to tell you that, are you kidding?”

Byungyoon pushes his Coke away and settles for burying his face in his arms with a groan, desperate to hide the way he can feel his cheeks heating up. “I give up.”

“Sorry. You’re just…naïve. A little bit. It’s fine,” Seunghyun says. “But really, there’s nothing wrong with liking how it feels to get too much of something.”

“It wasn’t…I didn’t want it to be like this,” Byungyoon says.

“Like what?”

“Like…why can’t I just be happy with being with him? Why do I have to want everything in excess? Is that not greed?” Byungyoon shakes his head. “It’s not right.”

“Is it really excess though?” Seunghyun asks, leaning back in his chair. “It didn’t hurt you, right? You enjoyed yourself, Sungmin enjoyed himself, you went about your day like normal after, so how is it dangerous or wrong?”

Byungyoon stares down at his drink and swirls the straw around again. “When you put it like that it sounds fine but I…”

“You’re not overindulging in anything, Byungyoon,” Seunghyun says, voice firm. “You’re just having really nice sex with your partner, that’s all there is to it. Do you really think it’s bad to enjoy yourself?”

“Yes.”

The answer tumbles out of him before he can stop it. He knows what it makes him look like. He’s had some variation of this conversation too many times not to know what people think of him when he says he feels guilty for enjoying himself too much. It’s not that he doesn’t want happiness. Of course he wants that. It’s overindulgence, it’s excess, it’s too much of what he enjoys, that makes the guilt settle in.

"You really need to talk to Sungmin. This is way above what I can help you with,” Seunghyun says. “We’re friends and I care about you, but I don’t know how to talk to you about your faith without coming off super insensitive.”

Sungmin doesn’t either, not really. It’d been the source of more fights than Byungyoon can count. But Seunghyun’s not wrong. Talking it out with him instead of Sungmin is pointless because at the end of the day, Seunghyun just doesn’t know him well enough to figure out how to help him come to terms with his guilt. In many ways, Sungmin is the perfect person to talk to. He’s lived his life with overindulgence to the point of harm. He knows the dangers better than anyone.

“I just don’t want to lose him,” Byungyoon says. “Not after everything.”

“I don’t think you will,” Seunghyun says. “Have some faith in yourself, yeah?”

-.-

It isn’t until he’s climbing into bed and turning off the light that he finally has the courage to say something. Maybe he’s a coward. It’s easier though to speak into the darkness with Sungmin’s warm weight tucked into his side so he doesn’t have to look right at him and watch the way Sungmin stares right through him. He rests his head on Sungmin’s chest and closes his eyes, steadying his breathing as best he can.

“You must be really nervous,” Sungmin says. “About what when we’re just going to sleep I don’t know.”

“I…I wanted to talk about something. It’s not bad, I just…have some concerns,” Byungyoon says.

Sungmin’s hand slides along Byungyoon’s upper back to cup the back of his neck. “Concerns about what?”

Byungyoon inhales. It’s not a big deal. If he talked to Seunghyun about it, he can talk to Sungmin too. “The first time I did something to you, and you made me come over and over…I’m not comfortable with how much I liked it.”

Sungmin doesn’t speak for a long moment, fingers squeezing at Byungyoon’s neck before going loose again. “So you liked it too much? And that bothers you?”

“Yeah. I just…indulgence…overindulgence…I’m so used to denying myself things that everyone else loses themselves in that wanting to be overwhelmed like that…” He lets out a rough sigh, not sure how to make the words come out right. “If I like something that much and keep craving it and chasing it, I risk ruining this.”

“This being us?”

“Yeah.”

“Sex isn’t alcohol. And it’s not a drug either,” Sungmin says, voice flat. “It can be, sure, but you’re not losing yourself just because you like being with me and you like me making you come a ton of times in a row. It’s different. It’s not…Byungyoon, it’s not destructive to want to enjoy yourself with someone you love.”

Byungyoon pushes himself up, the way Sungmin’s voice trembles at the end filling him with more fear than what he’d been feeling. He knocks his phone off the nightstand in his rush to turn on the lamp. “I didn’t mean…”

But looking at Sungmin and the way he sits up and drops his head between his knees, fingers brushing through his own hair the way he does when he’s nervous, Byungyoon realizes maybe he did mean it that way. Because that was the issue, wasn’t it? He was afraid of kissing Sungmin all those years ago because it was wrong and would lead to him giving into everything else. But he has kissed Sungmin. And more.

And he still doesn’t drink. Or smoke. Even if Sungmin still did all of those things, Byungyoon knows he wouldn’t be doing them.

“You really think I’m going to ruin you, don’t you?”

“No,” Byungyoon reaches for Sungmin and stops, unsure of if touching him is the best move. “It’s not like that. I guess I’m just still…” He shakes his head. “I hadn’t really considered it, the way you put it. I’ve seen loving you and having sex with you as two separate things and they aren’t, are they?”

“Not with us, at least I didn’t see it that way.” Sungmin still won’t look at him and Byungyoon gives in, shifting close and wrapping a tentative arm around him. Sungmin doesn’t lean into him, not even a little. “I know what sex is like when you’re trying to run from something. That’s my problem, right? Every single fucking vice is just a way for me to run away from the things that scare me because I can drown out all these stupid fucking thoughts if I can’t think. But those things aren’t problems on their own. They’re problems when you use them as a way to run and I’m not…being with you isn’t running.”

"You’re right, it’s not,” Byungyoon says, voice soft. “I didn’t…I don’t have the experience you do. It seems so obvious when you say it though.”

“It’s fucking annoying listening to you sometimes,” Sungmin says and the words come out a little wet and unsteady. Like he’s crying. Byungyoon wants to hold him. “All this shit about your faith and God and everything that could be good to you is bad and sinful and you have to stay away from it and I’m not…I’m not _bad_Byungyoon. I’m _not_. Even before I tried this sobriety shit.”

“I know you’re not,” Byungyoon says. “Sungmin…I’m sorry. I never…” What was the point of being good at lyrics if he couldn’t say the right thing when it mattered? He grabs at Sungmin, pulling at his neck and hair until he finally gets Sungmin to look at him and he tries to ignore the way the few stray tears he sees on Sungmin’s cheeks make his chest ache. “I never meant for you to feel like I thought you weren’t a good person because of what you did. I never meant for you to feel like I thought loving you made me a bad person. I never meant for any of that and I’m…I’m sorry I did it anyways.”

“Fucking shit dude,” Sungmin says, wiping at his eyes and knocking Byungyoon’s hands away. “For a guy who spends every Sunday in church you just don’t get it, do you?”

“I do now,” Byungyoon says.

“And what is it that you get?”

“That loving you and enjoying sex with you isn’t the problem. It’s a problem…it becomes a sin if I’m trying to run from my problems with it,” Byungyoon says. “But I don’t want to run from what I’m afraid of, and being with you isn’t running from God.”

"Do you really believe that?” Sungmin asks.

“Yes,” Byungyoon says. “I promise you. I believe that and you’re the only person in this world that makes me feel safe and I don’t want to run from you either. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to doubt myself sometimes but…”

“I’m not worried about that,” Sungmin says. “I doubt myself all the time. Knowing you don’t think that I’m like…ruining you or something helps.”

“I’m sorry,” Byungyoon says. “I never should’ve made you feel that way, not when I love you this much.”

“And since we’re getting everything out in the open, I should probably say if there’s anything you _don’t_want to do, I don’t want to do it either,” Sungmin says. “If what we did makes you feel guilty, then we don’t ever have to do it again.”

“I know,” Byungyoon says. “You’ve never…you’ve never made me feel like I’m not doing enough for you.”

“I wouldn’t,” Sungmin says, reaching out to hold one of Byungyoon’s hands. “I went into this figuring you’d never want to do more than kiss, you know? Whether because you felt guilty or were just uncomfortable or because you just…didn’t want it.”

“Really?”

Sungmin nods. “I would give up everything if it means I could stay with you.”

The words make Byungyoon’s heart pound. “I would too. But I still managed to mess everything up.”

“It’s not messed up,” Sungmin says. He shifts again, turning so he can face Byungyoon head on before he reaches out and tugs him into a hug. “We actually talked shit out without getting pissed off and saying stupid shit we didn’t mean, so I think we’re doing the opposite of messed up, don’t you?”

Byungyoon can’t help but laugh, arms coming up to wrap around Sungmin’s shoulders. “I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right. Now I’m gonna hug you for like, ten more minutes and then we’re going to sleep, got it?”

Byungyoon nods and holds him a little tighter. “Got it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr under the same handle


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